I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm getting married
To pizza
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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