dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
