I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
