A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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