If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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