I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize