do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
