i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
