im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
