I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
