we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
