Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
