I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
