Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
