You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
