So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
