she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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