I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
This is classic penis vs brain.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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