I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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