Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize