her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
