And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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