i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
