I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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