Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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