I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
