dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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