im drinking this country out of the recession.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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