I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
