So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
