She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
