i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Quick, to the slutcave!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
