he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
