Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
