currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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