nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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