I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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