New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
