It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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