My sheets look like a crime scene.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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