im six kinds of drunk right now
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
