the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
