Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
