you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
