Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
