was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
