So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
