SEEEEXXX PLEASE
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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