i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
