Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
handjob tips. give me some.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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