I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Can I color on your dick again?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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