I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
