i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
