The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
