how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
