I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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