I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
