the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
