the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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