Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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